Clarity

The conversation started with a question.

"So, do you think you are going to start working out again soon?" It floated through the doorway from our bedroom as I stood removing my makeup and armoring my face against the onset of wrinkles. I paused and thought about it.

"I don't know." An honest response. And then I launched into a diatribe about how I am my own worst enemy.

See,I'm good at throwing myself into projects...I get excited, gung-ho, and I tend to commit whole-heartedly. The problem comes when there is no end in sight...and you see, when it comes to diet and exercise there IS NO END IN SIGHT. How we eat and treat our bodies is an ongoing process...and I'm always striving to reach the finish line. But what do I do when I get there?

Past history has shown that I reach a goal and then I revert to my old ways. Whew! Glad that's finished. Now hand over that cheeseburger. And before you know it I'm back at the starting line again wondering how the hell that happened.

God bless my husband because he has to be the most supportive man on earth. He's seen me through various cycles of Weight Watchers, Atkins, Body for Life and starvation (he, uh, wasn't so much on board with the starvation) and patted my ego as my weight went down, up, down, up, down, up, up, up... And as annoyed as I get sometimes when he asks me questions like the one at the beginning of this post...he only does it because I've asked him to (repeatedly) and because he cares that I'm unhappy with myself.

So, I unload all kinds of baggage on my husband about how sad I am that I seem unable to make postive, lasting changes and suddenly it's like the clouds part and I realize what I've been doing wrong this entire time. I get SO excited, gung-ho, throwing myself whole-heartedly into everything that I do...that I burn myself out. I expect that I can overhaul my entire lifestyle in one fell swoop and that it will be easy and permanent. Obviously, it isn't.

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yes, my friends, I admit it. I have been insane since about the age of oh, 11 or 12...that would be most of my life, lest any of you think I'm only 21 due to my incredible lack of wrinkles (note the sarcasm and reference to nightly regimen above).

So, I have come to a crossroads and I've decided to go the way of Crazy Aunt Purl, otherwise known as Laurie Perry (love her blog - if you don't read it you should - you will totally fall in love with her charm and her cats). She wrote a blog a while back about how she was never going to diet again and instead was going to instead treat herself with dignity and respect and simply try to make better choices. So simple, but so right. It was one of the most amazing and eye-opening things I have ever read. It struck a chord with me at the time but I was still in the throes of trying to power my way to a perfect body.

All of those years of blood, sweat and tears (literally) and the answer is so simple. Let go of my unrealistic expectations and make small and gradual changes that will have positive effects. Because at the end of the day, any change no matter how small, is better than doing nothing, isn't it?

Comments

[Jennifer Lynn Moody]

It feels good when you hit this point. I know you think I "gave up" a while a go but the reality is I just realized that it was the rest of my life I was talking about. So I try to eat more vegetables and only put things in my mouth that I enjoy eating and occasionally I feel bad about things but I don't let it drive my self-esteem anymore.

You are a beautiful girl, an amazing mother, a wonderful friend... and that my friend is reality. :-)

[nazilam]

wonderful post, I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Leah]

I permanently changed my eating habits about 6 months ago. I'm inching closer and closer to fitting into those paisley velvet cigarette pants and matching smoking jacket from my sophomore year in high school. That's the goal. I think they're a size 2...which is like a 0 or -1 now.
I can dream.

So, have you started working out again?